This Feeling of Hopelessness and Emptiness

 My first post here, but I’m trying to be very brave, and from the start, I would like to present my last photography project below.

This is the introduction to my photo-book “Are You Good Enough?”:

“Maybe I will be proud of you finally.”I heard these words when I informed my Dad about the beginning of Documentary Photography studies. I often come back to them, because they were the beginning of my end, or the end of my feigned life so far.

I am 38 years old, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee and just finishing being a student. It was during the last year that I had a mental breakdown, and I was diagnosed with depression. It is commonly believed that people affected by this illness are sad, in my case it was different. I’m going through a nervous breakdown, but before and after I felt the emptiness that hurt me physically. Complete emotional nothingness. This indifference concerned every aspect of my life, including photography. On the other hand, this feeling of hopelessness and emptiness was supported by a sense of guilt that stiffened my thoughts. I was not “good enough” in anything.

I am still a person with depression. It is not a disease that will magically disappear, for a week of tablet therapy. You can win the depression, but it is a long, slow process. I discovered that phototherapy and session with Counsellor help me. First of all, I have to understand myself, this real me, which I do not know yet.

Photography in self-therapy and phototherapy fascinated me, and I decided to go deeper into my heart. I know perfectly well that this is the beginning of my journey, much ahead of me. I am sure I will not leave this path because it gives me the opportunity to find emotions in this vast emptiness. I am slowly starting to stand firmly on my feet to defend my conscious choices, and this book is just that.

This book presents me, and it is my journey to understand, my choice, my emotions. It’s a form of dairy and mix of photographs made by the medium digital camera, instant camera and phone camera. Those three media of my emotions. Being emotional is not bad, and I’m starting to feel. I decided to be kind to myself and not be ashamed of who I am and what I feel. I do not intend to change under the dictation of others; I have been doing what was expected of me for too long.

That’s my way into my heart, and this is me now. But am I already good enough?

Meet Maja.