My path to finding out

Why oh Why? Why me? …not saying that someone else should carry this disease.Years ago the less I understood about this disease, the more I moan about my fate. Feeling sorrowful about myself. Lost and scared.

Then started to read about the illness book by book and trying to find a way thought by thought. Slowly (during years) I felt that this is my path to finding out about myself. Getting to know who I am. Decided that I will not be bitter about my life although the adversity has often been more then I can handle. I think my pain is my mind telling me to listen, to pay attention. I feel it’s all about how I see and feel myself with respect to the outer world.

I can look at myself and be proud of what I accomplished. In the past, I needed for almost everything I did, insurance from the people around me that I was doing the right thing, that I was good enough (and I never felt I did get enough insurance).
I’m starting to feel that my own judgment is enough. Being loyal to my values and letting my values lead the way I act is sufficient.

My 13-year-old son took this photo of me a week ago. It was his own wish to make this pic. I feel so endlessly happy to be seen by my son and secondly I can look at me and be proud of myself.

There are times when I almost feel happy about my illness. With it comes my ability to live in the moment and feel. To see what I have and value it.

— Peter Engberg