First Time I Spoke Out About Feeling Depressed

By February 6, 2019Anxiety, Depression, PTSD
Woman in white dress kneeling in grassy garden stretching her arm to touch a large fantasy butterly

The first time I spoke out about feeling depressed was far after people had noticed that something with me was off, I honestly didn’t ever think of myself as being depressed I always was more on the extreme high anxiety and scared scale so I never would of guessed I could be depressed.

When I first decided to speak out was during a very hard week I had tried to hold in my feelings as good as I could but it got harder and harder to hide. I remember going out to a restaurant with my family and just holding in the tears barley being able to keep it together. I went to the bathroom and just breathed and said it’s ok but it really wasn’t. Once home I just couldn’t deal anymore and I remember being on my bed crying for the first time really feeling such sadness and hopeless I truly felt like I was never going to be happy ever again and there was nothing I could do, I never felt powerless in such a way as I did that day. I had two little girls a family things people dream of why couldn’t I be happy I would think. I would spend hours hiding and crying when I could even a few minutes here and there, as long as no one seen me I figured it was ok.

I finally told my husband and my dad about some of how I was feeling, and the relief that I got from letting it out was like having an energy bar after exercise, that rejuvenation in a way or a bag of rocks took off your shoulders. I didn’t seek professional help at that time because I still didn’t think I needed or maybe I didn’t want to.

Months later it happen again only it was coming out in anger as well because with anger at least I had power over my sadness because I didn’t want to feel that way again, but as time went on the anger grew and the depression would follow. I finally reached out and got help from a therapist that specializes in people with sexual assaults abusive pasts as normal therapists didn’t even make a dent in me. After seeing her it really started to change my life, right away I felt hopeful and I realized how I had changed. Even learning how the body works and why you feel the way you do makes a world of difference. I don’t suffer from pure depression I suffer from PTSD which includes depression. Since I started talking I haven’t stopped and it’s changed my life for the better because I know I’m not alone and I don’t have to be even in the days I want to be. Everyone has the strength in them to speak out and say I’m not okay, I know it is one of the hardest strengths to gather sometimes but it’s in you.

— Trena Wall



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